Between you and the Mirror there is still one little thing. A both fragile and powerful object blocking a lot of feelings that you would like to let go of. It's a rather difficult situation, because you'd love to throw it away, although the idea of being without it, without the only thing that makes you feel a bit more protected, scares you. Decisions... Choices? Courage?! Maybe. Maybe not.
Your pretty Mask is there for you, but is this a good thing? Is this helpful? Sometimes it seems like the only right thing to do: put on the Mask, together with a smile. You know you can, you had time to learn to fake it so well. "Make me proud and act like you were taught to..." gently whispers the Mask. And you do as you are told to, thinking that nothing could go wrong. My dear, everything went wrong... You lost yourself when you chose this easy way. You did not realize the Mask had embraced you. Completely. On a second thought... you wanted this, didn't you?
I believe you also got tired of making it right, of pleasing everyone and being the nice person, so you decided to put some space between you and the ones that you believed to be there only to take advantage of you being kind, probably too kind. It seems this made you feel quite relieved, but it also left you with some unanswered questions. And some wounds. You can manage to hide the wounds, but what are we going to do with the questions? Some might say that ignorance is bliss; a foolish thing to say. Ignorance is truly bliss when the action involved ceases to have an impact on you, when you feel nothing for someone, when they never cross your mind and you don't wake up thinking suddenly about them. So I guess that sooner or later you will have to ask some questions and also answer to some of them. Only then you might find your peace of mind. Of course, you might not like some of the answers, they might hurt you, but at least you'd know the truth, you'd learn from mistakes and you'd carry on. In order to succeed in this matter, you must do something very hard: lose the Mask!!! Believe in yourself.
What did you say? You can't? Trust me when I tell you that you can, you are just so terrified by the idea of making a mistake or making someone feel bad and I can't quite get it. People should be able to communicate freely, sincerely... Oh, yeah, I think you have a point though. I can see the problem... They lack the power to understand or to listen with an open mind to another person. Most of them judge others so fast or they have already formed an idea in their minds and you just can't compete with that. So I guess what you are trying to tell me is "why the hell should I even try if they already think they know everything?". Well, you should try because you can give them a chance and see what happens and because you deserve the chance to speak up your mind and express your feelings towards them, since you obviously care. The conclusion with this issue is not that bad: they might understand everything and your bond could become even tighter or they'd refuse to listen and go on with their selfish judgement and then you will have known that you did your best and it's not worth the fight anymore. You can move on.
Those so-called wounds and that Mask of yours really make all of these sound so hard to put in motion. I can see beyond your fake smile and your relaxed attitude, I can see the pain inside of you and I can hear your mind screaming and asking for some gentle words to soothe the time spent in that cage of yours... I can see how you hold on so tight to the ones that matter to you the most, the ones that kept you from losing yourself for good, but in the same time I can see that you fear you'll upset them with this continuous battle that you are fighting... Somehow I feel they won't leave your side, because honestly, if they wanted to, they would have done so already. There are not many out there worthy of being called friends, because sooner or later people tend to show their real faces and the motives of their connection to you; so I guess that if some of them helped you pick yourself from the ground and slapped the senses back into you, you can call yourself lucky, sugar. They believe in you, what's holding you from doing the same?
You ache for kindness and freedom, nothing more; you don't even dare to dream about love; you probably even forgot about it in this race of wanting everything to be in line. But isn't love the link that connects all of these fragments we discussed about? I'm not necessarily talking about romantic love, don't get me wrong... Just... love. You gave a lot of it and then you blocked it as much as you could. It confused you, because some have such a weird way of showing their affection and this only made you numb. Sure, you now say you don't believe in it and all that crap, but you know you do; you are just afraid to admit it. Be careful, you could miss a lot with this fear of yours. A lot.
My dear, you think too much and you forget to act. You stay awake at night and think about all possible scenarios and you create other problems. Problems that, of course, lead to some other hours of thinking, of worthless thinking. You might even explode one day. One day soon. Promise me you will try to free yourself from that horrible Mask, promise me you will fight it, because you can! You have so much strength in you, so much life and beauty... You always had... You just strayed from your path, you got lost in meaningless details and they made you bitter, stubborn, angry. I fear for you if you won't make a change... If you won't try, you will truly lose the battle. Yes, you told me you got used to losing and it sounds so awful! Wake up and be who you are supposed to be! Wake up before it's too late... You have to...
Breathe deeply.
Let go.
Throw away the Mask and look at yourself in the Mirror.
You are home again.
Cris
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